Terror ÷ 2

Here I am again, to report my second experience. I will try to summarise it.

Saturday, noon, alone at home, sitting in bed. Smoked 0.05 gr. of 5x extract: I did not follow your advice of avoiding "crystal highways" for the moment, because I thought that dose control was crucial, and I’ve had a previous reference with this extract, whereas no idea for dose with untreated dried leaves. I smoked half the previous dose.

The experience: probably half the terror. - Still pretty frightening.

At first: same clear perception of bending frontier between worlds. I think that this time seen from Salvia’s world. Metallic and unpleasant sensation. Fear. Regret.

Again worry about abandoning the ordinary world, and not controlling how much time I will spend in the "other" one. Several times I told myself: "Be calmed, you have plenty of time, you can be here as long as you want, it will only take several minutes in the ordinary world, and nobody is waiting for you". Very important to continuously refer to that idea to feel calmed (wonderful that one can talk with oneself!). Knowing that I was alone, and nobody would disturb me, or worry about me (at least during the normal trip duration), was decisive.

Clear sensation of presences in that world. At beginning, something (myself? the entities?) told me that that world was not my place, was frightening, terrible, and was stupid even to dare to go there. I felt laughed at.

Feeling of sadness, chest oppression. I keep a defensive attitude. Starts a fight between my fear (appalling at first, progressively dismissing though never disappearing) and my desire to know that world, and be able to control the situation.

Perceptions of something like a park, where entities are. Some do not pay any attention to me. Others (which somehow I associate with "children") laugh at my fear. I do not clearly see the entities shape. I rather hear or feel them.

Fear and not feeling comfortable during the entire trip. Several times I had to affirm to myself: "I want to be here, not to run away like a chicken (as last time), and I am doing it, fuck you all nasty whoever". Probably not polite, but not aggressive. Necessary.

Apart from trip description itself, I am interested in the consequences and learning from this trip. And the conclusions are:

- It is necessary to enter that world in a very solid, self-assured, problem free state. Fears can take control of you.

- This reminds me of Castaneda’s "Warrior’s attitude" (is "Warrior" the translation?). I’ve read Castaneda’s books (many years ago), and clearly understand the need of being "impeccable"

- I think that fear has prevented me from seeing and exploring that world.

- Once back in ordinary world, I realise some of my weakness, and the need to solve them, get stronger and solid, to enter that world in better conditions.

- All that I have experienced is a very basic approach to something I don’t even have a clear idea of. I have not been able to explore, move, take control.

- Maybe overcoming this first stage is a must, after which something is waiting. Anyway, getting past this will not be easy (if possible), and will constitute a great personal conquest.

- Hope something more interesting and "juicy" is behind this rather disappointing world.

If I had not read many wonderful, or at least very interesting, experiences, I would probably have had enough with these two frightening ones. Probably, some defence in this battle to feel comfortable there is all that I’ve read (Castaneda, Internet stuff, etc.). Being in that world cannot be substituted with all the descriptions, trip reports, etc you can ever read. But knowing something helps, if not there, yes once back. I think (at least for me) that after a trip, there is a lot of internal work on oneself, in this ordinary world. Analysis, questions, preparation and strategy finding.

Remembering Castaneda’s works, I have the impression that for him, these worlds were also appalling, frightening, and not at all wonderful and nice to travel by. Am I wrong?

I would like some help from you (or you "research team"), as my beginning in this world is turning out to be quite difficult. I would like to know, from your experience:

- Do you always enter Salvia’s world in the same scenario (always means in several consecutive occasions)? - Do scenarios vary, with a sense of "progression" through stages?

Thanks for your help. I suppose that these first trips may seem quite childish for someone who has already managed to cope with all that. But despite my age and usual self-assurance, I am not sure at all of anything in this new world. And I would like to keep on this at least until I think it has nothing to teach me, not just because I feel unable to confront it.