I have had my first experience with Salvia.
After trying half a leaf (of yours) last Wednesday, which only made me feel
hot and dizzy (not unusual at first, according to your advice), I dared to try
Salvia again on Sunday evening. This time, with a better burning system in the
water pipe I have made myself, the system is certainly good enough!
I smoked 0,1g (approx.) of a 5x extract I had purchased. Judging by the
results, probably quite a large dose, at least for the first time.
It is not easy for me to describe the experience. It is difficult not only
due to its oddness, but because of not remembering everything clearly enough.
Explaining it in English (not my first language) does not help (forgive me if
I use expressions not accurate enough).
I'll try to explain the appalling moments I have gone through. As time
passes, I am able to see all the experience with much more calmness, and
benevolence towards something (Salvia effects) which has made me so frightened
and willing to get back to this ordinary world, that for some moments I was
sure that my experiences with Salvia (and such serious psychedelics) was over.
I smoked it in one breath, in my bedroom, on the bed. Put the light off,
kept the smoke as much as possible while laid on the bed.
Suddenly, I had a strange sensation of being "lifted" in
darkness, suspended on a waving surface. But very unpleasant, because I
entered a kind of fight with it. As if I expected something more, probably to
be free from that surface which did not let me free. As if the experience I
realised that was taking place was incomplete, because I kept stuck to that
surface. I clearly remember saying to myself: "This is happening because
you are so rational that, in your inner self, do not allow yourself to fly
away". It was a kind of struggle to get rid of that limitation.
Then, I had a very vivid sensation of being stuck to a moving surface or
membrane, which separated the familiar world from a strange other one, a
sensation that did not leave me for the rest of the experience. After clearly
feeling that, I saw the membrane bending in front of me (it came from both my
sides, and extended frontward).
I started seeing another place, which I had the sensation that two people
were in (a mother and a son?). They were somehow familiar, but I did not
clearly see them. Somehow, I was invited/pulled towards that place/world, from
the membrane where I was. It was a question of getting off the membrane to
enter that world.
When I was being pulled to that world, suddenly a thought came to me:
"I am entering something which I can hardly control, it has nothing to do
with my world, and it means separation from it and my wife. Complete
separation, for I don’t know how much time. And she is waiting for me. She
is going to be worried".
I do not clearly understand if it was fear of entering that world and not
being able to get back, or just thinking that it could take ages to come back
with my wife. But I started to feel a terrible fear. I remember thinking (- as
an excuse not to enter there?) - that a lot of time could pass in that place,
so she would worry, try to awake me, which would be a problematic situation. I
decided not to go.
It is interesting to note that, despite having read many experiences, and
so knowing it is only minutes what you are "away", this did not help
too much. Maybe because I was afraid to get lost there, maybe because I had a
very clear sensation that going there would mean leaving my wife (and this
ordinary world), and that appalled me. I do not discard a sub-conscious fear
to lose her.
Up to that moment, everything had been reasonably bearable. Strange,
frightening, out of control, but bearable. But then, the horror came. I cried
out my wife’s name, and opened my eyes. I put the light on, went out of
bedroom, and started a desperate race to the living room, where she was. This
is what most amazes me. I was feeling the two worlds at the same time. I was
seeing my bedroom, hall, and living room while rushing through them searching
my wife, but at the same time, I had a very strong sensation of being stuck to
something that pulled me into the other world, which at moments (for example
if I closed my eyes) I was completely into.
Again, I had the vivid sensation of moving (this time with my real body, in
the real world I was walking in) stuck to a membrane which divided two worlds.
But this (everyday world) was not the same. I was seeing this world’s
"space" differently. There existed no rigid and solid matter, but
all of it (floor, walls, etc.) was made of a soft sticky matter that also
trapped me. Or perhaps I had the sensation of being in another kind of plastic
dimension and simultaneously in this world. It was as if, seen from the
membrane where I was -or just the boundary of the other world - this ordinary
world was soft and not solid.
From this moment, all my experience turned into a terrible fight to escape
the "other" place, and return with my wife. Not from that place, not
from this world, but from an intermediate state which was half the way between
both. I felt a compelling desire to get rid of the nightmare and be completely
back here, without the threat of the other world chasing me just a step back.
I rushed into the living room, where she was - later she told me that my
face was barely recognisable, such panic it showed. I asked her to let me be
there, as a way not to leave her in the other world. Of course, I was not able
to make myself clearly understood.
In this part of my experience, I had to face another unexpected situation.
It had nothing to do with the "other" world, but with this one. And
was not easy at all. It made me feel desperate. It was the fact that I was
living a situation where I had to interact with this world, exactly with my
wife, but under the influence of Salvia. A very difficult situation, where I
hardly understood where I was returning from, but I needed to feel back with
her. Completely aware that such situation was very frightening for her.
My wife had read nothing about Salvia. I had told her that I was going to
try a psychedelic who’s effect would be very strong, and would keep me out
of "here" for 10-15 minutes, during which time she should not
disturb me. She did not want to know much more about all this, so I decided
not to insist on that.
But there I was, absolutely terrified, disturbing her, hardly trying to
explain the situation, which I knew she could only appreciate as a something
terrible happening to me under the influence of a strange drug. The terrible
fight to feel steady in this world, try to calm my wife, and fight whatever
wanted to send me back to the reality I was trying to escaped from, were very
hard moments. I tried once to get back to the bed, to let everything fade,
calm in darkness. But there I realised my wife should be very nervous and
worried. That made me so uncomfortable that I returned to the living room with
her. But knowing that under the influence of Salvia (as I clearly knew I was),
contact with ordinary world would be disturbing. So, nothing I could possibly
do would be a solution. It was desperate!
I supposed that perception of the other world should fade away in minutes,
and could not last for long. But it was my first experience, and there was
something that surprised me, to the point of being overwhelmed: I did not
expect to have both worlds perceived so simultaneously, that is to say, not
exactly at the same time, but going and coming from one to the other in
seconds. That made me doubt if the situation was "normal" (and so
ending in few minutes as I had read) or not.
This existing in this world with altered perception of "the
other" is what made me so frightened. Now, when writing this, I realise
that it is quite an obvious thing to happen with psychedelics. But I expected
either to feel this world in another way (as I had read happens with other
drugs) or to perceive another world and not this world at all (as I expected
from Salvia). - But not the terrible mixture of both.
I think that only all the preparation for encounters with these states,
which I have made by reading quite a lot of experiences, articles and books,
makes me able to keep the intention of further research, instead of finishing
with all this (as I swore in the difficult moments). Now, I remain curious, as
before (probably even more). Still frightened, but somehow convinced (or
willing) that further experiences must be different, and something better must
be there waiting in new occasions.
Do you think that this is too naive? I would like to know if you have had
such a difficult beginning, and how it developed in further occasions.
I do not know when me (and my wife!) will be prepared for another
experience, and feel a strange mixture of curiosity (desire to give it another
chance) and fear to confront another appalling experience which could make me
definitely give up. I need some advice about this, for I do not want to feel
again so terrified as to give it up, at least not the second and third time. I
know that, of course, it is stupid to want to predict or have any guarantee
about next experiences. But knowing of other’s hard initiation but
subsequent "normalizing", would help in the (difficult) next try.
Mainly because I am afraid that getting into it with fear is probably the
worst thing to do, nearly assuring a new disaster.
I would appreciate your comments, if you find time to reply.
I suppose that first experiences are often strange and do not make much
sense. Are they usually so disastrous?