Two Worlds

I have had my first experience with Salvia.

After trying half a leaf (of yours) last Wednesday, which only made me feel hot and dizzy (not unusual at first, according to your advice), I dared to try Salvia again on Sunday evening. This time, with a better burning system in the water pipe I have made myself, the system is certainly good enough!

I smoked 0,1g (approx.) of a 5x extract I had purchased. Judging by the results, probably quite a large dose, at least for the first time.

It is not easy for me to describe the experience. It is difficult not only due to its oddness, but because of not remembering everything clearly enough. Explaining it in English (not my first language) does not help (forgive me if I use expressions not accurate enough).

I'll try to explain the appalling moments I have gone through. As time passes, I am able to see all the experience with much more calmness, and benevolence towards something (Salvia effects) which has made me so frightened and willing to get back to this ordinary world, that for some moments I was sure that my experiences with Salvia (and such serious psychedelics) was over.

I smoked it in one breath, in my bedroom, on the bed. Put the light off, kept the smoke as much as possible while laid on the bed.

Suddenly, I had a strange sensation of being "lifted" in darkness, suspended on a waving surface. But very unpleasant, because I entered a kind of fight with it. As if I expected something more, probably to be free from that surface which did not let me free. As if the experience I realised that was taking place was incomplete, because I kept stuck to that surface. I clearly remember saying to myself: "This is happening because you are so rational that, in your inner self, do not allow yourself to fly away". It was a kind of struggle to get rid of that limitation.

Then, I had a very vivid sensation of being stuck to a moving surface or membrane, which separated the familiar world from a strange other one, a sensation that did not leave me for the rest of the experience. After clearly feeling that, I saw the membrane bending in front of me (it came from both my sides, and extended frontward).

I started seeing another place, which I had the sensation that two people were in (a mother and a son?). They were somehow familiar, but I did not clearly see them. Somehow, I was invited/pulled towards that place/world, from the membrane where I was. It was a question of getting off the membrane to enter that world.

When I was being pulled to that world, suddenly a thought came to me: "I am entering something which I can hardly control, it has nothing to do with my world, and it means separation from it and my wife. Complete separation, for I don’t know how much time. And she is waiting for me. She is going to be worried".

I do not clearly understand if it was fear of entering that world and not being able to get back, or just thinking that it could take ages to come back with my wife. But I started to feel a terrible fear. I remember thinking (- as an excuse not to enter there?) - that a lot of time could pass in that place, so she would worry, try to awake me, which would be a problematic situation. I decided not to go.

It is interesting to note that, despite having read many experiences, and so knowing it is only minutes what you are "away", this did not help too much. Maybe because I was afraid to get lost there, maybe because I had a very clear sensation that going there would mean leaving my wife (and this ordinary world), and that appalled me. I do not discard a sub-conscious fear to lose her.

Up to that moment, everything had been reasonably bearable. Strange, frightening, out of control, but bearable. But then, the horror came. I cried out my wife’s name, and opened my eyes. I put the light on, went out of bedroom, and started a desperate race to the living room, where she was. This is what most amazes me. I was feeling the two worlds at the same time. I was seeing my bedroom, hall, and living room while rushing through them searching my wife, but at the same time, I had a very strong sensation of being stuck to something that pulled me into the other world, which at moments (for example if I closed my eyes) I was completely into.

Again, I had the vivid sensation of moving (this time with my real body, in the real world I was walking in) stuck to a membrane which divided two worlds. But this (everyday world) was not the same. I was seeing this world’s "space" differently. There existed no rigid and solid matter, but all of it (floor, walls, etc.) was made of a soft sticky matter that also trapped me. Or perhaps I had the sensation of being in another kind of plastic dimension and simultaneously in this world. It was as if, seen from the membrane where I was -or just the boundary of the other world - this ordinary world was soft and not solid.

From this moment, all my experience turned into a terrible fight to escape the "other" place, and return with my wife. Not from that place, not from this world, but from an intermediate state which was half the way between both. I felt a compelling desire to get rid of the nightmare and be completely back here, without the threat of the other world chasing me just a step back.

I rushed into the living room, where she was - later she told me that my face was barely recognisable, such panic it showed. I asked her to let me be there, as a way not to leave her in the other world. Of course, I was not able to make myself clearly understood.

In this part of my experience, I had to face another unexpected situation. It had nothing to do with the "other" world, but with this one. And was not easy at all. It made me feel desperate. It was the fact that I was living a situation where I had to interact with this world, exactly with my wife, but under the influence of Salvia. A very difficult situation, where I hardly understood where I was returning from, but I needed to feel back with her. Completely aware that such situation was very frightening for her.

My wife had read nothing about Salvia. I had told her that I was going to try a psychedelic who’s effect would be very strong, and would keep me out of "here" for 10-15 minutes, during which time she should not disturb me. She did not want to know much more about all this, so I decided not to insist on that.

But there I was, absolutely terrified, disturbing her, hardly trying to explain the situation, which I knew she could only appreciate as a something terrible happening to me under the influence of a strange drug. The terrible fight to feel steady in this world, try to calm my wife, and fight whatever wanted to send me back to the reality I was trying to escaped from, were very hard moments. I tried once to get back to the bed, to let everything fade, calm in darkness. But there I realised my wife should be very nervous and worried. That made me so uncomfortable that I returned to the living room with her. But knowing that under the influence of Salvia (as I clearly knew I was), contact with ordinary world would be disturbing. So, nothing I could possibly do would be a solution. It was desperate!

I supposed that perception of the other world should fade away in minutes, and could not last for long. But it was my first experience, and there was something that surprised me, to the point of being overwhelmed: I did not expect to have both worlds perceived so simultaneously, that is to say, not exactly at the same time, but going and coming from one to the other in seconds. That made me doubt if the situation was "normal" (and so ending in few minutes as I had read) or not.

This existing in this world with altered perception of "the other" is what made me so frightened. Now, when writing this, I realise that it is quite an obvious thing to happen with psychedelics. But I expected either to feel this world in another way (as I had read happens with other drugs) or to perceive another world and not this world at all (as I expected from Salvia). - But not the terrible mixture of both.

I think that only all the preparation for encounters with these states, which I have made by reading quite a lot of experiences, articles and books, makes me able to keep the intention of further research, instead of finishing with all this (as I swore in the difficult moments). Now, I remain curious, as before (probably even more). Still frightened, but somehow convinced (or willing) that further experiences must be different, and something better must be there waiting in new occasions.

Do you think that this is too naive? I would like to know if you have had such a difficult beginning, and how it developed in further occasions.

I do not know when me (and my wife!) will be prepared for another experience, and feel a strange mixture of curiosity (desire to give it another chance) and fear to confront another appalling experience which could make me definitely give up. I need some advice about this, for I do not want to feel again so terrified as to give it up, at least not the second and third time. I know that, of course, it is stupid to want to predict or have any guarantee about next experiences. But knowing of other’s hard initiation but subsequent "normalizing", would help in the (difficult) next try. Mainly because I am afraid that getting into it with fear is probably the worst thing to do, nearly assuring a new disaster.

I would appreciate your comments, if you find time to reply.

I suppose that first experiences are often strange and do not make much sense. Are they usually so disastrous?